So much paper!  what was I thinking?

People are People are

In my childhood I believed that people were simple, understandable and ultimately good.  I believed that love was stronger than steel and more powerful than any magic spell.  I had dreams about growing up and at each stage of my life encountering opportunity and good fortune.  I believed that at 16 I'd be kissed by a pure and wonderful love.  I dreamed that at age 20 I would be recruited for my brains and adored for my beauty.  I thought I would surpass expectation and be surrounded by many loved ones in warm living rooms.  I knew I would have a big family of my own with a safe home.

Here I am.

People are not simple, nor are they ultimately good.  I don't understand people, nor do I understand myself. I am disappointed with my life, and I feel that my mediocrity is a punishment for some decision I've made at some point.  I twitch with anxiety and envy.  More than anything I want a job that pays me enough to move forward.  I want confidence and purpose but more than anything, I want money.  I never wanted to want money.  For that reason, I am bored with myself and gag at the thought of where life is headed.  I no longer expect opportunity, nor do I expect to have the things I still want for myself.

anxiety, disappointment, depression.  what fun it is to grow up and play this game.

Time and Again

Time and again I find myself here.

I haven't blogged in quite a long time.  Mostly I'm okay with that, although there have been moments when I wished I had saved a spot in the sun, to sit and think.  Sometimes I yearn for the comfort of continuity and the reassurance of hard lines.  My time runs away from me.  The monstrosity of materialism riddles my life with angst.  My family is a safe haven. 

I wish I could get away from it all.  When you are stuck with your foot in the seaweed, you want more than anything to overcome the conflicting desire to at once be free of the water and at the same time swim masterfully with the current.